Sunday, May 10, 2009

A Heartwarming Mother's Day Post

Not to spoil the movie or anything, but Gwyneth Paltrow's head is in that box.

My dear, dear mother doesn't know about this blog (my siblings give her enough to be distraught about as it is), but should she ever learn of it, one of the first things she'd do is search for mentions of herself -- to see if she has grounds for a libel suit. Well, Mom, you're going to have to find another reason to sue me, because I only talk smack about you in private, and I'm only mentioning you now so I can tell you Happy Mother's Day and have it recorded for Internet posterity. Thank you for never having any freak-outs about wire hangers, and for never starring in Trog. To the extent that I'm capable of loving anyone, I love you, and I'm sorry for writing that salacious tell-all in the '70s. Next time I'm mad at you about something, I'll sleep on it for a week or two before inking a book deal.

And to anyone reading this who's also a mom, provided you're not the kind that gets calls from Child Protective Services, Happy Mother's Day to you, too.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Would You Trust These Women With Your Children?

More mothers would entrust their children to lesbians Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi than to Jennifer Aniston, international tabloid sensation "Brangelina," and media titan Oprah Winfrey (whose omnipresent "best friend" Gayle King was not mentioned in the survey), according to a poll conducted by some website I've never heard of before.*

While this might seem mildly interesting on the surface -- Ooh, heterosexuals trust the gays not to corrupt their children! -- I think it's important to remember that Jennifer Aniston has kissed women on TV (and appeared in a Melissa Etheridge music video) and is way too obsessed with her hair not to travel everywhere with at least one gay man; Angelina Jolie is rather famously bisexual; and there's no way that Oprah (whose South African school for girls is apparently a hotbed of sinister 1950's-style predatory lesbianism, let us not forget) and Gayle aren't conducting revealing interviews with each other's genitalia when they have their famous Stedman-free sleepovers. In other words, those kids are gonna be around some degree of "the gay" regardless of who watches them.

(For the record, while I don't have real children yet, my girlfriend and I have an imaginary son that I wouldn't be opposed to letting DeGeneres and de Rossi babysit, but only if they promised not to pass him off to Ellen's hairstylist's family, à la lggy.)

* The Reuters website has been a bit unreliable for me today; if it doesn't work for you, freakin' Google the goddamn story. Don't be lazy!

Monday, May 4, 2009

In Senegal, Even Dead Gay People Aren't Safe from Persecution

We've already established that in Senegal, there are few pastimes more popular than the irrational hatred of homosexuals. But Senegalese villagers recently took their maniacal homophobia to a depraved new low, exhuming the body of a young man from a Muslim cemetery not once but twice, and depositing his corpse in front of his parents' house on the second occasion, because he was reportedly gay. How do you think the Westboro Baptist Church loons react when they read a story like that? Do they nod admiringly, or would even they agree that there are no words to describe such a ghoulish, hateful act?

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