Thursday, April 30, 2009

Another Person Who Everyone Already Knew Was Gay Finally Comes Out of the Closet

This time it's former Amish widow-turned-civilian astrophysics instructor Kelly McGillis who has shocked absolutely no one by swinging open the closet door. My brother, who had a crush on her when he was a little boy who watched Top Gun over and over again (I still haven't forgiven him for that), will be devastated, though that's really no one's fault but his own -- I've spent the last 20 years telling him that McGillis, who hosts a yearly flag football tournament in Key West, Florida, is a gigantic lesbian and he never wanted to listen, even when my parents added, "No, for sure, she's a gigantic lesbian." Now if someone could please reach her The Accused costar and rumored ex-girlfriend Jodie Foster for comment on all of this, that would be fantastic.

Friday, April 24, 2009

The Dutch Are a Crazy People

From the Radio Netherlands website comes the strangest headline I've read all week: Lesbian Women Report Growing Intolerance. No word on whether lesbian men have been experiencing similar problems.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Why I Haven't Been Posting Much Lately

Earlier this month I wrote that I hoped to post more in the coming weeks. That hasn't happened just yet, partly because my concentration has been shattered by a woman who still hasn't figured out that she could easily find someone who is smarter and funnier (but certainly not more attractive) than me to pay attention to, and partly because I think we already knew in our heart of hearts that Britney Spears is fine with gay marriage and that Angie Harmon is an idiot, in addition to being a terrible actress. The story that finally lured me out of hiding is one you've probably already heard: Shirley Tan gets to stay in the U.S. for now, thanks to Sen. Dianne Feinstein. "For now" isn't good enough, of course -- Tan should be here permanently -- but it's better than nothing.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Lesbian Axe Murderers Don't Just Exist in "High Tension"

Canadian lesbian -- like there's any other kind -- Ashleigh Pechaluk loved her girlfriend Nicola Puddicombe so much that she practiced writing love letters to her that expressed warm and fuzzy (and trite) sentiments like "Baby, you are my angel ... I want to enjoy my life, and the only way I can do that is if you're by my side."

But Puddicombe, who made similarly goopy declarations of love in a Valentine's Day card she gave to Pechaluk three years ago, also had a long-term boyfriend. How, then, could Pechaluk enjoy life with Puddicombe at her side? Why, by reinforcing every horribly offensive and antiquated lesbian stereotype known to man and murdering Puddicombe's boyfriend with a $16.49 axe, of course! Pechaluk's trial for the 2006 killing began this week, with Puddicombe's soon to follow; Puddicombe stood to collect $250,000 in insurance and pension payouts in the event of her boyfriend's death. Both women, it should go without saying, deserve to rot in jail.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Breaking News: I'm Not Dead

Nor was I captured by Somali pirates, despite what the mainstream media has reported. I've been busy with various things that keep people busy (like not observing Passover and wondering how the new "Fast and the Furious" movie made so much money at the box office last weekend), and I will hopefully be less busy this week. Unless you've all enjoyed the silence over the last few days and would like me to stay gone for a while, in which case I'd hate to let anyone down.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Want People to Mock You Behind Your Back?

Do yoga with your dog. Has it really come to this? Are people truly so bored and so eager to spend money on absolute crap that they're going to turn this into a fad? And don't dogs have it bad enough as it is, what with having to relieve themselves outdoors year-round and being yelled at to stay off the furniture? Won't somebody think of the dogs?! They're plenty flexible already: haven't you ever noticed how much time they spend licking themselves in hard-to-reach places?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

"Coronation Street" Lesbian Revealed

In July of last year, a producer for the 8,000-year-old British soap opera "Coronation Street" told The News of the World, that bastion of journalistic integrity, of plans to add a lesbian character to the show's cast. Today, The News of the World is reporting that the lesbian will be "teen terror Sophie Webster," who has been on the program since the early '90s. But wait, there's more:
Sophie (Brooke Vincent) shatters her new born-again Christian image by dumping her boyfriend to romp with a girl member of her bible study group.

The tearaway stunned parents Sally and Kevin when she told them she was turning over a new leaf by turning to God.

I'll admit, that made me laugh; if nothing else, it's bound to make for lighter viewing than "For the Bible Tells Me So."

And People Wonder Why I'm Always in a Bad Mood

When you can't log on to the Internet without reading stories like this and this, and when you can't turn on a tennis match anymore without seeing Roger Federer lose to an inferior opponent, what is there to be happy about?

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