Monday, November 17, 2008

If Prince Was Your Girlfriend (He'd Tell You to Stop Being Gay)

I'll let this photo speak for itself.

Wendy and Lisa need to bitch slap this crazy-assed mofo right off his platform heels. Truly, it cannot be just any old bitch slap. It has to the bitch-slappiest of bitch slaps. It has to be hard. Because now that the artist formerly known as "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince," that once nameless paragon of, uh, robust heterosexuality, has found religion (I understand it had been hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box, where you'd normally find a small plastic horse), he is turning his back on us, his gay fans.

That's right, he has forsaken us to climb into bed with the businessman and hatemonger Philip Anschutz (in a non-sexual kind of way, one would guess, since the only hard-on Anschutz has for homosexuals has to do with oppressing us — but who knows, maybe they're into a bondage scene together), and recently told The New Yorker's Claire Hoffman that Democrats are making a mistake by supporting gay marriage.* Conceding that the so-called red state approach to government doesn't work because there are multiple ways to interpret the Bible, Prince continued, "And then on the opposite end of the spectrum you've got blue, you've got the Democrats, and they're, like, 'You can do whatever you want.' Gay marriage, whatever. But neither of them is right."

You can read the pocket-size pop star's explanation of what's wrong with both political parties at the New Yorker website. Hoffman also writes:
When asked about his perspective on social issues—gay marriage, abortion—Prince tapped his Bible and said, "God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, 'Enough.' "
A spokesman for God couldn't be reached for comment, but sources close to him suggest he once had a similar reaction after seeing a Prince concert. "It is my understanding that God hasn't bought a Prince album since Lovesexy," said a confidante who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of rankling his all-powerful friend. "Or maybe the Batman soundtrack. I remember God loved 'Batdance.'

"At first he was willing to overlook the hyper-sexual lyrics and the debauchery of the stage shows because songs like 'When You Were Mine' spoke to the human condition," the source continued. "But after ten years of singing about sex, sex, sex, all the time sex, and always simulating fornication in his stage shows and holding his guitar between his legs on TV like it was some kind of giant musical penis, it got to be too much. And now he comes out with these statements about the gays, which isn't a good way for Prince to get back into God's good graces. All this hullabaloo about gay marriage and Proposition 8, it's giving God agita. He's so sick of people trying to speak for him. That's why you can't print my name; I don't want to get any nasty text messages after this is published."

UPDATE (2:15 PM) - Perez Hilton is reporting that, according to a Prince insider, Prince was misquoted and Hoffman's inept. In Hilton's words, "What His Purpleness actually did was gesture to the Bible and said he follows what it teaches, referring mainly to the parts about loving everyone and refraining from judgment." That's the story Prince needs to stick to if he wants to stay on my iPod.

* Democrats support gay marriage?! Why hasn't anyone let Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in on that?

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