Monday, November 17, 2008

Howard Stern Weighs In on Wanda, Portia and Ellen

How would Tobias Fünke have felt about Prop 8?

It's been a while since I last attempted to transcribe any Howard Stern Show shenanigans (I'm still worn out from this Tracy Morgan appearance in March), but this morning Howard devoted a few minutes to Wanda Sykes coming out at a Prop 8 protest rally in Nevada over the weekend and it led to a brief conversation that gave us some insight into what the straightest people on radio think about prominent lesbians.

The exchange came after Howard paused a clip of Wanda's speech at the mention of her wife, and involves Howard and Stern Show cast members Robin Quivers and Artie Lange. Both Howard and Robin (along with sound effects genius Fred Norris) have been outspoken critics of Proposition 8 and measures banning gay marriage and gay adoption in other states; George Takei, the official announcer of the Howard Stern Show, married his longtime partner, Brad Altman, in California in September.
Howard: I wonder if her chick is hot. I always like to see that.

Robin: Well, her wife was there, you didn't see the visual?

Howard: No. I wonder if she's a big fat white chick. I could picture her with a big fat white chick.

Robin: Really?

Howard: I don't know why.

Robin: Why not a hot chick? She's in show business.

Howard: I would love to see that. But a lot of these women, the real hardcore lesbians -- I don't mean the ones that, like, make out at the strip club 'cause you're giving them twenties, I'm talking about hardcore lesbians who live with women and stuff -- they're attracted to a whole different scene.

Robin: Like Cynthia What's-her-name --

Howard: Right.

Robin: -- from Sex and the City.

Artie: Oh, that broad...

Robin: She grabbed an odd girl.

Howard: Yeah.

Artie: She's gay.

Howard: That's a real gay woman.

Artie: She's dating Danny Bonaduce.

Howard: It's like that thing when you go to the strip club and you see two really hot chicks like making out with one another, that's one thing, but they're not real committed to the lesbian lifestyle.

Robin: So where do you find Ellen and Portia de Rossi?

Howard: Well, they're hardcore lesbians. I mean, Ellen's a mess, and Portia de Rossi's super hot.

Robin: Uh-huh.

Artie: Portia wants to -- you don't think Portia might be doing, like, a little bit of the Anne Heche thing? Like she's just --

Howard: No. I think Portia's gay, but she wants a mannish-looking woman. Like, she's really gay. They're two real gay people.

Artie: Right.

Howard: Those are real gays right there.

Robin: Real.

Howard: Real gays.
While the "Ellen's a mess" line kind of screws things up a little, it was nice to hear Howard smack Artie down on that tired "Maybe Portia's not really gay..." theory, particularly because Howard himself has a history of making comments about the DeGeneres/de Rossi relationship that make me cringe and change the station. (He never sounds more hopelessly heterosexual than when he tries to guess what happens in their bedroom. I mean, please, read this old Advocate interview with de Rossi and tell me with a straight face that you think she's a pillow princess.)

As for Sykes, after listening to her say, "Now let's go get our damn equal rights," Stern replied, "Right on," and noted, "Boy, she's got the triple whammy. She's gay, she's black, and she's a woman. There's no hope. All your rights have been stripped all over the world. Good luck. She should announce she's Jewish, then that would be the quadruple whammy."

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