Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Pat Buchanan Is Still a Dick, Just in Case You Were Wondering

Even pie dislikes Pat Buchanan.

MSNBC ratings heroine Rachel Maddow's blustery, bile-spewing fake uncle*, the scary death monster Pat Buchanan, is getting all worked up over John "Sweet Coconut" McCain's new go-to threesome (replacing longtime favorites Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise and Charles Nelson Reilly): Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

In fact, Buchanan can't stop fantasizing about the possibility that should Obama become our next president, the Democratic trio might seductively embrace illegal aliens (that they're illegal makes them that much sexier) and erotically tease the uninsured with promises of access to affordable health care.

These are some of the awful things Pat wants you to fear from an Obama administration:
Two or three more liberal activists of the Ruth Bader Ginsberg-John Paul Stevens stripe will be named to the Supreme Court. U.S. district and appellate courts will be stacked with "progressives."
Yikes! I know that I'm personally terrified of "liberal" judges who believe in things like a constitutional right to privacy. They're destroying the fabric of our democracy (™ John McCain) with such single-minded determination that one could easily mistake them for, say, people who register voters for community organizations.
Special protections for homosexuals will be written into all civil rights laws, and gays and lesbians in the military will be invited to come out of the closet. "Don't ask, don't tell" will be dead.
Seriously, any MSNBC employee who reads this: slap him. You don't have to hurt him -- I know that he's elderly and was once diagnosed with reactive arthritis, a condition that got him a 4-F classification when he was in his early twenties, which meant he never had to risk his life for this country the way gays in the military so bravely do despite being stuffed in the closet -- you can use a Nerf bat or something. At the very least, hire some gay guys to make out behind the camera while he's trying to finish one of his eight thousand tedious talking points. Nothing distracts homophobes more than guy-guy action. It's so incredibly hot repugnant that they can't help but get turned on look.
The homosexual marriages that state judges have forced California, Massachusetts and Connecticut to recognize, an Obama Congress or Obama court will require all 50 states to recognize.
OMG! I think that kind of menace speaks for itself. BTW, what does Buchanan make of the fact that his own fake niece lives in Massachusetts with her partner? Her same-sex, vagina-having, lesbian partner. If Maddow -- or The Maddow, as I like to call her -- and her partner have yet to tie the knot but plan to do so eventually, will Uncle Pat get an invite? If he declined to attend, would he at least send a thoughtful gift, like hers-and-hers handheld fans they can use to cool themselves when they're BURNING IN HELL for being deviant homosexuals?
A "Freedom of Choice Act" nullifying all state restrictions on abortions will be enacted. America will become the most pro-abortion nation on earth.
It'll be terrible -- all over the country, women will be throwing abortion parties the way they used to throw Tupperware parties. The abortion craze will sweep the nation so quickly that by the time the "Freedom of Choice Act" is enacted and December rolls around, 8-year-olds will be asking their parents for abortions for Christmas. Postmenopausal women will pay evil liberal activist doctors enormous amounts of money to implant fertilized eggs into their aged wombs just so they can take part in the new abortion trend that is splashed across the pages of Cosmo and Vogue. (Need to spice up your marriage? Abort. Want to know what drives a man wild in bed? One word: shmashmortion. Looking for a way to fight off wrinkles? Ask your doctor about medical abortion today!) Lesbians will get pregnant in record numbers for the sole purpose of celebrating the reaffirmation of their right to reproductive freedom, and inevitably they'll follow the sage advice of one of the gay community's most beloved lifestyle gurus, Patsy Stone: "Abort! Abort, abort, abort!" Employees at fast food restaurants, instead of asking customers if they want fries with their orders, will start asking, "Would you like to terminate your pregnancy with that?"

Don't these nightmarish scenarios make you reconsider your support for Barack Obama? And don't they lead you to the incredibly obvious conclusion that you not only want to vote for him, but will probably name your first child (even if it's a daughter) after him as well? Congratulations, Pat Buchanan, on a job well done! I won't be able to sleep tonight thinking about a day when I might have a president who respects women and "the gays" and doesn't put words like "the health of the mother" in air quotes.

*Two things: I don't know why MSNBC didn't think of hiring a lesbian sooner. It's not like the clueless heterosexual guys over there were ever going to "top" CNN on their own. You gotta put a strong lesbian woman, especially one who drives a truck and has a fishing license, in charge of something like that. And as much as I like Rachel Maddow, it drives me nuts to see her regard a piece of crap like Pat Buchanan with any kind of warmth or respect. I know it illustrates that she's intelligent and mature, unlike all of those Fox News hosts who treat civil discourse like it's the clap, but I'm not intelligent or mature. I'm dumb and juvenile, like a left-wing Pat Buchanan, and it kind of pains me to see forward-thinking people give him the time of day, especially when they belong to a group he has spent a lifetime vilifying and disparaging.

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