Friday, September 26, 2008

Sarah Silverman Wants You to Threaten Your Grandparents

And she's right. Your grandparents, if they are registered voters, are loose cannons, potential menaces that must be kept in line. Let's look at this logically: They're afraid of robots and they pour iced tea into gigantic old people diapers. Sometimes they drive around parking lots with 3-year-olds on the roofs of their cars. If they're anything like my grandma, they've been known to accidentally buy dog food for their cats -- and then pass it along to you, sighing, "I don't know, Pepper wouldn't touch it, but maybe yours will like it." That's crazy, right? It makes you question their mental competency almost as much as the hideous sweaters they give you each holiday season.

The sad fact of the matter is some grandparents aren't qualified to make important decisions, like who to vote for in the upcoming presidential election, on their own. That's where we come in, for reasons Silverman helpfully explains in this video. I'm fortunate in this regard. My grandparents, while insane, are not insane enough to vote for John McCain. But they are Jewish septuagenarians, a group McCain was hoping to frighten into supporting his bid for the presidency by having other right-wing sleazeballs suggest that Obama has some kind of secret, religiously-motivated political agenda that would threaten Jews. Fearmongering is, as Karl Rove taught us in 2004, an effective way of grabbing votes; but the only candidate capable of terrifying Jews this election season is Sarah Palin, whose church is tied to all kinds of things that most Jewish voters would find alarming. (See: this and this. My grandparents aren't Internet-savvy, so I've been printing these types of stories out for them to distribute to their friends.)

If your grandparents need a swift kick in the ass, take a page from Sarah Silverman's book and tell them what's what. If that fails, you could always point out - respectfully, lovingly, and of course with great tact - that odds are they'll be dead in 10 years and you'll be around for another 50. Which is why it's monumentally important they don't fuck this up for you. And if they let you down, it's off to Shady Pines.

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