Sunday, April 27, 2008

Kaki King's a Feisty One, Isn't She?

Being terminally out of the loop, I'd never heard of guitarist Kaki King (who just released her fourth album, and has also played on songs by acts as diverse as the Foo Fighters, Northern State and Tegan and Sara) before reading this article in Australia's The Age. But now I have no choice, I have to check out her music. Not just because everyone agrees she's amazingly talented, but because she's also fucking funny. Writes interviewer Guy Blackman:

But when I ask why, despite being an open and proud lesbian, none of King's lyrics or song titles on Dreaming of Revenge seem to refer to her sexuality, she quickly loses her fragile cool.

"Let's work on some openly lesbian song titles - how about 'I Like Muff-Diving', 'I'm a Girl and She's so Hot'. I mean, what are you talking about?"

This is where I interrupt to point out that "I Like Muff-Diving" has already been done -- it was a Joan Jett B-side in 1981 -- before picking up the Blackman piece, already in progress:

But just as quickly, she reins herself in again. "I'm sorry, it's just that a lot of people are like, 'So, what's the gay thing about?"' King says. "It's like, 'Oh, f--- me, do we have to go there?'

"There's nothing openly lesbian about the lyrics," she continues.

"There's really not much openly lesbian about the record. I don't reference it, but I certainly would. If I needed something to rhyme with 'bee' then I'd use 'she', if I was writing a song about a lover. It just happened that I didn't on this record."

To which I can only say: Yeah. If she's openly gay, what more is there to discuss? It's like asking Aretha Franklin why she doesn't record songs about snack cakes.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Lizabeth Scott Speaks

Does Lizabeth Scott have Perez Hilton bookmarked? We know she glances at tabloid covers, if this blurb at Contact Music is any indication. The website quotes the 85-year-old actress, who has spent decades denying interview requests, as saying, "I saw Kate Moss and her new beau all over the cover on the news-stand and thought they looked like vagrants; so scruffy and grubby - just awful. I'd like to see Miss Moss smarten up her act. Doesn't she know young women look up to her? She would have lasted 10 seconds under the Hollywood studio system." But Scott goes on to praise Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham and Dita Von Teese as celebrities with genuine senses of style, saying, "Two of the three might not be the sharpest tools in the box, but they are glamorous and always impeccably turned out."

Could it be that Scott, the gorgeous starlet whose career was all but destroyed when she was outed by Confidential in the mid-1950s (she sued them for libel, and contrary to what has been reported on several websites, didn't win the case), is one of those anonymous posters who always replies to Hilton items about Dita Von Teese by typing "FIRST!!!!!!!!"? Or maybe she's more the Dlisted type, preferring bitchy remarks about Victoria Beckham's skeletal frame to crude, hastily drawn MS Paint penises pointing at the Spice Girl's face.

I've yet to figure out where Contact Music got their Scott quotes from, so if anyone can help, drop me a line. And if you've never seen the luminous Lizabeth in a movie, you must rent The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, pronto. (The Paramount release, which has a nice transfer, and not any of those $4.99 rush jobs by no-name companies.) Seeing Barbara Stanwyck, Lizabeth Scott and Dame Judith Anderson all in the same movie is a bit like watching Jodie Foster act opposite Alexis Smith in The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, if you catch my drift, but that's neither here nor there -- Martha Ivers is indeed quite strange, one of the oddest noirs you'll ever come across, and Scott is superb as a mysterious young woman just released from prison.

It was only the second film she appeared in (Scott started her career in the theater, working as Tallulah Bankhead's understudy in "The Skin of Our Teeth," and years later there were rumors that parts of All About Eve might have been modeled on their relationship), but she wastes little time in illustrating why Paramount's publicity department called her "The Threat." Though she was given little in the way of quality material during her all-too-brief career, Scott had the kind of sultry looks and prickly presence that were tailor-made for film noir, and was briefly seen as the studio's answer to the Warner Brothers upstart siren Lauren Bacall. And, on a personal note, if I had to be shot by or because of a '40s femme fatale, she would certainly make the short list of dames worth dying for, right alongside Rita Hayworth, Gene Tierney, Jane Greer and Yvonne De Carlo. (Geez, who knew I was such a slut?)

UPDATE: The Scott quotes have been credited elsewhere to the Daily Express.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Matzo Madness

With Passover starting this weekend, you probably find yourself wondering, "That obnoxious lesbian moron who projectile vomits her obnoxious lesbian moronishness all over the Internet, I wonder what kind of matzo she likes." Well, wonder no more. My favorite matzo, the love of my matzo life, is that sexy mofo pictured above. That's right, Manischewitz Egg & Onion matzo— which isn't kosher for Passover, I'd be remiss not to point out—is my official matzo of choice. Take a look at that box. Take a look at that matzo! How can you resist its egg and oniony goodness? You can't. It's impossible. And, really, when you consider that most other matzos taste like cardboard (or what I imagine cardboard would taste like, because I don't recall having tried it), what other choice do you have?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Michelle Rodriguez: Still Comfy in the Closet, But Thanks for Asking

"Why did Ruth have to die? Why?!"

Ever mindful of my health and concerned for my personal safety, I want to begin this post by making something perfectly clear: I, Cranky Lesbian, have nothing against Michelle Rodriguez. As far as I can tell, she's a passable actress. She was an engaging presence in Girlfight, and I remember reading that she tried to turn her court-ordered ankle bracelet into a fashion accessory, which shows she has a sense of humor. In fact, I like Michelle Rodriguez so much that I'm going to stand up for her right now and say that the time she was busted for driving under the influence—I think it was bullshit. That's right, bullshit.

As you can see from her mugshot, she doesn't look wasted. Rather, she looks upset but slightly hopeful, like she might break into song (maybe "Tomorrow" from Annie) at any moment. I would bet anything she hadn't been drinking or smoking pot or whatever it was she'd supposedly been doing just prior to her arrest. I strongly suspect that what happened was she'd just caught the tail end of Fried Green Tomatoes on USA and was crying at Idgie's inability to accept Ruth's death. She was distraught, obviously—Mary Stuart Masterson really rocked that deathbed scene—but at the same time she felt inspired knowing that Ruth's memory would live on in the hearts of all who loved her.

I'm telling you, I know I'm right. You can see it in her face, how she's thinking about little one-armed Buddy playing catch while Ruth looks down lovingly from her cloud-perch in heaven. She's thinking to herself, "So what if this is a bum rap? Life goes on. Sipsey keeps on cooking and Idgie moves to Los Angeles, where she opens a bookstore and lives with her cousin Spence. I'll make it through this. If I could read the entire BloodRayne script, I can make it through anything."

I wanted to get all of that out of the way, to formally establish myself as a Rodriguez supporter, before addressing comments the actress recently made to Latina magazine about rumors that she's the lezziest lez to ever have lezzed—since the invention of the Internet, at least. You see, Rodriguez, when asked about the bloggers (cough, Perez Hilton, cough) who out her once or twice a month, generously replied, "I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off."

That comment I'm going to let pass, because the woman is obviously in mental anguish if she's picturing bloggers masturbating. It's the rest of her quote I find interesting, because she continued, "I don't answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it's nobody's business. If I wanna fuck a girl, a boy, a dog—that's my business. That's why there's bathroom doors."

So, yeah. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Bathroom doors? It's like she's trying to out herself when she says stuff like that. The gays, that's what we're famous for—the bathroom sex. Oh, sure, the unwashed heterosexual masses might labor under the illusion that it's the guys who have all the restroomy fun, with their wide stances and impromptu George Michael concerts and all, but check out any season of The L Word and if you can make it through all the cringe-inducing hackery and general insipidness, you'll see that the non-germaphobic lady-lovin' ladies out there know their way around a bathroom stall as well. If you're going to grab a same-sex partner and go at it in public (and it's not like I'm coming right out and calling Michelle Rodriguez gay or anything — there's no slime coming out of my mouth — but she doesn't strike me as someone who is diametrically opposed to going at it in public), there's no better place to get away with it than a bathroom. Well, that or a Linens 'n Things, because I understand people don't go there anymore.

Note to Michelle: If you don't want people to speculate about your sexuality, think before you talk! And please, please don't beat me up for saying that. I'm short and frail and terribly uncoordinated. It's doubtful I could throw a punch. Picking on me would be like picking on a third grader. Anyway, I watched three-fourths of Blue Crush one night on Starz, so I think you'll agree you owe me a pass on this one.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Luke MacFarlane Comes Out; World Asks "Who is Luke MacFarlane?"

"If you see a painted sign at the end of the road saying 15 miles to the love shack..."

Luke MacFarlane, a cute young actor who appears on ABC's mawkish Brothers & Sisters, came out in an interview with Canada's The Globe and Mail today in what can only be described as a crushing blow to every straight female fan of Prison Break who has ever posted the words "Wentworth Miller isn't gay, he just hasn't found the right girl yet" on an Internet message board. You see, MacFarlane, who was previously linked to Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight, is known to spend time with Miller, and a certain well-known blogger raised eyebrows last summer by declaring them a romantic item.

Now, if you take the Wentworth-obsessed IMDb crazies at their word, the two of them are probably just partaking in aggressively heterosexual activities together, like watching Showgirls (for the naked girly bits, not the delicious campiness) and lifting weights (for their health and the natural high they get from exercise, not for all the sweaty, buff partial male nudity -- yes, when I imagine those two lifting weights together, the shirts eventually come off). But me, I'm a romantic, so I prefer to think they're making sweet, sweet love together and cuddling as they watch The Golden Girls reruns before drifting off to sleep.

You can read the interview in its entirety at the Globe and Mail website, but here's the swoon-worthy part:

Though no secret to his family and close friends, Macfarlane has, until now, been guarded about his personal life as a gay man. Over lunch in Los Angeles, where he lives, he initially insists that he has no concerns about his public revelation - but a few seconds later he is shifting nervously in his chair, and concedes that he is "terrified."

"I don't know what will happen professionally ... that is the fear, but I guess I can't really be concerned about what will happen, because it's my truth."

Congratulations to Luke on coming out, and may a bit of his integrity rub off on all of those other actors and actresses who are currently "guarded" about their personal lives. You don't have to tell us who you're fucking, ladies and gentlemen, just get the hell out of the closet.

And in other news...

Cynthia Nixon was on Good Morning America earlier to talk about beating breast cancer, and you can see why the Point Foundation saw fit to honor her last week when she talks about her family. During her sit-down interview with Cynthia McFadden, Nixon recalls her partner Christine Marinoni's reaction to her diagnosis ("She was in a panic. She was just trying to calm herself down any way she could") and talks about her children's relationship with Marinoni, saying:
"They love her. They call her Mom. They call me Mommy. My son is very funny. Sometimes he says Mom, and it's obvious he means both of us or either of us. He just says Mom and whoever answers is fine."
You might note that McFadden mentions the last time she talked with Nixon about her personal life, things got a little "dicey." Nixon opted not to reply, "If by 'dicey' you mean your line of questioning got a little patronizing," but that's just because she's a class act. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about (and people rarely do), here's a refresher course: Two years ago, in her quest to overdramatize Nixon's remarkably matter-of-fact coming out, McFadden conjured images of The Children's Hour by actually uttering the words, "You know an old friend of mine says if you can live through the thing you think you can't and survive..." McFadden, who has enjoyed high-profile friendships with the likes of Katharine Hepburn and Liz Smith, should have known better for obvious reasons.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Andy Cohen's Lesbian "Work Out" Conspiracy

Jackie Warner: Personal trainer or Britney Spears backup dancer?

All of Bravo exec Andy Cohen's straight female friends are just crazy about Bravo's "Work Out" star Jackie Warner, the New York Times reported this morning. The Times didn't do much in the way of independently verifying Cohen's claims, which include him saying, "I'm from St. Louis. When I go home a lot of times I'm amazed by the suburban married women that are coming up to me and saying, 'I'm in love with Jackie Warner,'" and trotting out the obligatory married-with-children female friend to pontificate on her girl crush. But let's be honest -- does anyone care?

I know I don't, but I thought I'd point out the Cohen quote in that half-assed way of mine because I, too, hail from St. Louis, and none of the married suburbanites I know have ever declared their love or lust for Jackie Warner. In fact, I'd be surprised if more than a couple of them could even tell you who Jackie Warner is. (A majority would probably furrow their brows and ask if she's related to Kurt.) However, they do think the soft butch KSDK reporter who used to co-host "Show Me St. Louis" is hot. If anyone at the Times wants to report on that, I can put you in touch with some people.

The new season of "Work Out" starts tomorrow, btw. Will Jackie find another heterosexual-with-attention-whore-tendencies employee to make out with while the rest of the gang looks on in horror? Will Peeler still be as bald as my seventh grade algebra teacher? And who are all the people I don't recognize in this year's cast photo? There's a preview available on Bravo's website that might answer some of these questions; I haven't bothered to look at it yet because my Tuesday night viewing plans are all about Lars and the Real Girl.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

From the Department of WTF...

Is this big daddy a dangerously overweight cat or the furry dwarf cousin of incorrigible comic and former Hollywood Squares personality Bruce Vilanch? View all the pics and then you make the call.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Short Cuts: Joan Jett Thinks Your Gaydar Sucks

"I got girls, girls all over the -- wait, that's private."

What the hell kind of malfunctioning gaydar does Joan Jett think we have? The legendarily badass rocker, who is part of the True Colors Tour this summer and is slated to release a new greatest hits package later this year, recently told Spinner that she hasn't divulged her sexuality to the public because she's not in the business of ruining fantasies. As she explained to writer Jessica Robertson (you can read the full interview, including the usual "It's about setting boundaries" spiel, here):
It really boils down to this: I want to please everybody. I want every guy and every girl thinking that I'm singing these songs to them, because I am. If I make a hard, fast case on where I stand then that takes away a lot of the fantasy. Music entails a lot of fantasy. I want people to be able to go there with me. Some people might think it's a cop-out. I don't care. That's how I feel.
Whether or not you approve of her stance, it's an incredibly honest answer that neatly encapsulates the ultimate dilemma of the "closeted" celebrity, which is this: actors and musicians are packaged and sold as products, and if they want to be successful, they're going to make every effort to appeal to the largest possible base of consumers. And her explanation serves a dual purpose, because the way Jett approached the subject, she turned it into one of those non-answer answers that's really only a non-answer if you're an idiot. Or something. I'm sleep-deprived, people. If I'm barely coherent when I've had a full night's rest, it should go without saying that coherence is completely out of the question right now.

In other news...

Cynthia Nixon was honored by the Point Foundation last night for not trying to appease lust-crazed Sex and the City fans by keeping mum on her personal life. Accepting the Point Courage Award for being a LGBT role model, Nixon said, "When you're a young gay person, you yearn for nothing so much as the presence of other gay people, most especially, an older generation of gay people who can encourage and inspire you." Continues
That being said, Nixon – who had two children with her longtime boyfriend Danny Mozes before their 2003 split – acknowledged that she was not an out teenager. "That is part of what I look back on now as ... my straight period," she said.
I get where she's coming from, though my own straight period was considerably shorter, lasting only a few months when I was in preschool back in '87.

And a PS for those of you wondering why I'm commenting on the Jett interview five days after the fact...

I'd like to offer this in my defense: In addition to being swamped at work, I've been methodically working my way through the latest Warner Bros. Bette Davis collection in my spare time. Did you know that All This, and Heaven Too is about eight trillion hours long? Not that Charles Boyer isn't worth it, but I haven't been this emotionally depleted since the Hellmouth collapsed in the final episode of Buffy.

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