Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Words of Wisdom from Tracy Morgan

Morgan as Oprah on 30 Rock

30 Rock star Tracy Morgan, the man who brought us Astronaut Jones and Brian Fellow on Saturday Night Live, was on Howard Stern's satellite radio show yesterday to promote the upcoming Superhero Movie, a parody with a cast (including Marion Ross and Pamela Anderson) that's as sure a sign as any that the apocalypse is imminent. It is my considered opinion that Morgan is every bit as brilliant on 30 Rock as Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey, though he's received far fewer accolades—no Emmys, no SAG awards, no Golden Globe nominations—for his work. Maybe this lack of love from Hollywood ass-kissers has to do with people not knowing the real Tracy Morgan.

With that in mind, I compiled these choice quotes, words every bit as inspiring as something you might read in the Bible or a Nicholas Sparks novel (because you have to admit, it's pretty damn inspiring that a writer as hacky as Nicholas Sparks has sold so many awful books), from Morgan's Stern interview. I've abbreviated a few rambling passages and have tried to omit the frequent interruptions from Howard and Robin that sometimes made Tracy's answers unintelligible. Even with these imperfections preserved for the Internet ages, I think you'll agree that Oprah made a mistake in choosing Eckhart Tolle as her new spiritual guru instead of Tracy Morgan.

Briefly, a warning: If you are offended by profanity, by disgusting behavior on airplanes, or by Tracy's penis (and the penises of his father and sons), you should leave. Now.
Tracy's Sexual Philosophy

"I'm a freak. I'm the biggest freak you ever want to meet. I have no fucking remorse."

Tracy on His Penis and Star Wars

"Women like that shit. They like the big, bulbous dick head, man. My shit is bulbous. My dick has a shape like a Darth Vader helmet. My dick looks like R2-D2, goddammit. They call my balls the fucking evil empire."

On Produce

"I'm a grown fuckin' man. I'm not scared. I like to go to the supermarket and watch grown women shop for cucumbers."

On the Importance of Family ... and Penises

"I know my father. He had a dick the size of a Louisville Slugger. He used to walk around naked all the time. That's where I get it from. I let my three sons know, when your dick get bigger than mine, you gettin' the fuck out. You no longer my son, you a fuckin' threat. I got a fuckin' baby arm. I got a fuckin' baby arm. When I die, my shit gonna be in the Smithsonian, right next to Michael Jackson's glove."

On Sexually Transmitted Diseases

"Dude, first of all, you gotta be a real loser to get fuckin' crabs at 40 years old."

On the 2008 Election

"Let me tell you something, man. Hillary Clinton could have my vote if she whooped Monica Lewinsky's ass. That's the only way she'd get my fucking vote. Anytime your husband getting his dick sucked in the Oval Office and you and your fuckin' daughter are sleeping down the hall, you supposed to whoop that bitch ass. Fuck being strong for the American people, motherfucker. Barack's wife ain't havin' that shit. That's a real black fuckin' woman. We gonna get bin Laden. You know why? 'Cause Barack's wife gonna tell him, You know he said something about your mother."

On the Difference Between the Sexes

"Let me tell you something: women love money, men love freedom. I ain't never seen a man fuck a woman for a mink coat. You give me some freedom, goddammit, and I'll love you forever."

On Fidelity

"I would get down, I would holler at females, but I never penetrated nothing while I was with my wife. My wife ain't never have a problem with me and women."

On the 2008 Election: Part Two

"Let me tell you something, man. If Hillary Clinton becomes president, I just wanna see her have a wardrobe malfunction. 'Cause that chick is thick."

On the Harsh Realities of Life as a Comic

"I was on the road. I was on the road a lot. And I got married to the fucking road, man. My lady didn't, she's not one for flying and all that, so I gotta make a living. So I gotta go. So she didn't want to go. So I'm on the road and—Ray Charles, motherfucker. It gets lonely in that fucking hotel room. You bring chicks up to keep your feet warm in the bed, rub your nuts."

On Whether He's Allowed to Vote

"Yeah, I'm allowed to vote. I'm not a fuckin' felon. What the fuck are you talkin' about, am I allowed to vote, you fuckin' hump? Fuckin' prick. Never been convicted, you fuckin' hump. I'm on 30 Rock, you fuckin' moron. See me on fuckin' NBC. You think NBC is gonna hire a felon to do a fuckin' TV show primetime? Fuckin' prick. How can I be a fuckin' felon on 30 Rock? Think Tina Fey's gonna be around here if I'm a felon, you fuckin' moron? Fuckin' undertone racial shit. Like I'm black, just 'cause I'm black I fuckin' drink water with my hands. I'm scared of fire and I'm attracted to shiny things and shit. Come on, man." (In response to a question by Stern's producer, Gary Dell'Abate, about whether Morgan's legal woes interfere with his voting rights.)

On Flying the Friendly Skies

Tracy: Let me tell you what I did on the airplane. I fucking seen this hot-ass white woman, man, beautiful, fucking hips —

Howard: When was this?

Tracy: This was about two months ago. Fucking hips, ass, fucking camel toe, Howard—

Howard: Tight pants.

Tracy: Big fucking—

Howard: First class?

Tracy: Big titties. And so she was sitting behind me and I —

Howard: In first class?

Tracy: Yeah. I waited til we was 35,000 feet in the air, and she was getting up to go to the bathroom so I went to the bathroom before her —

Howard: Right.

Tracy: — and I beat my dick. And I put the sperm on the fucking doorknob.

Robin: Oh, stop it.

Tracy: And she come in behind me. She was mad as a motherfucker, too.

Unintelligible, as Howard tries to talk over Tracy.

Tracy: Her fuckin' hand was in my fuckin' sperm! Fuck that! We connected. She touched my fuckin' sperm!

Tracy on His Penis: 25th Anniversary Edition

"You know what they call me? My dick is so—you know what they call me? Females call me Manaconda. 'Cause I'm fucking—my shit is huge, like a python."

How He Spent His Summer Vacation

"I used to go to the fuckin' swimmin' pool in my fuckin' projects and I would shit in the pool. I'm shuttin' it down. That's power."

... And Don't Think He Wouldn't Do It Again

"Go shit in the pool. Shut it down. Kids got nowhere to play all fuckin' summer. Now they gotta, they're forced into the fucking fire hydrant. That's Giuliani-style, goddammit. I'm shuttin' down the seaport."

On Religion

"Howard, I didn't really shit on nobody, man. I gotta say that disclaimer, that disclaimer, you know, like when they say, 'No animal's got hurt.' No women got shitted on. But I did beat my dick. My aunt was a Jehovah's Witness. And I remember the first time I masturbate, you remember those magazines, Watchtower? I came—I stuck those pages together. I stuck those pages together. ... I was beating my dick like a maniac cabdriver in Manhattan."

On Unorthodox Sexual Practices

"I gave a girl a Dirty Sanchez one time."

On His Famous Romantic Conquests

Howard: Have you ever gotten a famous white woman?

Tracy: Yeah.

Howard: You have.

Tracy: Yeah. I'm in the books.

Howard: You are?

Tracy: Yeah. I'm in the books.

Howard: When you say famous, would you say A-list or B-list?

Tracy: Sigourney Weaver. Fucked her in the ass.

Howard: Fucked her in the ass? ... I know you're kidding. I know you're kidding.

Tracy: Could be. You never know.
Sadly for all of us, Tracy didn't reveal whether the Dirty Sanchez and Sigourney Weaver stories were related.

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