We here at Cranky Lesbian, LLC have nothing to say on the subject of Mariah Carey's sexuality. In fact, we have little to say on the subject of Mariah Carey at all, other than we were recently shocked to learn that the title of her upcoming album has nothing to do with butterflies or rainbows. We weren't even going to take time out of our incredibly busy (if by busy you mean we've been listening to the first volume of 69 Love Songs and playing computer solitaire all day) schedule to mention that the notoriously inaccurate and more-than-occasionally homophobic-sounding gossip site MediaTakeOut is reporting that Mariah Carey and Da Brat were spotted canoodling in L.A. this weekend. Reporteth one of their spies:
I just wanted to tell you guys that Mariah Carey and Da Brat are definitely dating [each other]. They were at [Villa] last night and for almost the whole night Mariah was sitting on Da Brat's lap. And they were both sharing the same drink - FROM THE SAME GLASS!!!It's not that we find it so hard to believe that Carey and Da Brat, who've collaborated in the past and are known to be friends, might get their L Word on in private. We know that female sexuality is complex, like a Beach Boys vocal arrangement or doing your taxes with nothing more than a pencil and a calculator, and there are only a handful of women on the face of the earth we simply wouldn't believe lesbian rumors about. Names like Dr. Laura and Laura Bush and my grandma come to mind. (Well, my paternal grandma. The maternal one, she's a bit of a free spirit...) It's more that we don't give much credence to reports that contain lines like: "BTW Da Brat was looking kinda hot ... No Homo."
The way those two were carrying on, I thought they would start kissing right there in front of everyone. BTW Da Brat was looking kinda hot ... No Homo.
That said, our interest was piqued by the photograph of Mariah and Da Brat that accompanies this post. I mean, look at it. Not only is Mariah covering her chestal region with a rainbow-colored piece of fabric that was once, in another lifetime, before it was shrunk like those kids in that Rick Moranis movie, an actual article of clothing, it kind of looks like she's about to direct Da Brat's face right to her crotch. If Da Brat is hitting it, as they used to say in grade school, I hope she remembers this warning from "Touch My Body," Mariah's latest single: "'Cause if you run your mouth and brag/About this secret rendezvous/I will hunt you down."