"Damn, check out the ass on that guy. I mean, girl."
I don't plan on reading Andrew Morton's new Tom Cruise biography that comes out on Tuesday -- and even if I was, I wouldn't admit it here (the Internet lasts forever, you know) -- but early reports of its contents suggest a comic masterpiece on par with David Sedaris's best work. Sayeth the website Digital Sky in their sneak preview:
Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography claims the actor has chased women throughout his life.Bert Fields, Cruise's mega-lawyer, has called the book "outrageous, sick stuff," and so far I'm inclined to agree. There has to be more to Gilbert's couch story than Morton lets on, like maybe the room had such hideous window treatments that Tom was desperate for a distraction. Nor am I sold on the La Cage Aux Folles story, mostly because I have a hard time believing that someone so aggressively anti-gay would agree to star in Top Gun. (Or, you know, line up to see La Cage Aux Folles in the first place.)
Melissa Gilbert, who dated Cruise when he was 19 before being dumped for Heather Locklear, told Morton: "I can honestly say he's a very sexual person. There was a lot of making out on the couch in my mom's living room."
One former date claimed he was homophobic after seeing his reaction to musical La Cage Aux Folles, saying: "Men dressed as women, he couldn't handle it. We had to leave before the intermission. It really bothered him. He was definitely homophobic."
Okay, so we know that dim-witted, homophobic actors are occasionally tricked into playing gay roles or starring in films with a heavy gay subtext -- we've all heard the Charlton Heston stories. But Top Gun is so spectacularly gay that even someone who believes in Xenu would pick up on the sexual tension between Maverick and Iceman; the special nature of Maverick's relationship with the pornstachioed Goose; and the significance of Maverick's love interest being a Kelly McGillis character named Charlie. It could only have been gayer if Bob Mackie designed the flight suits.
You can read more about Tom's robust and lifelong appetite for heterosexual intercourse with biological women at Slate. I warn you, however, that it will leave a bad taste in your mouth, which is why I'm posting a photo of Tom's former employee Penelope Cruz grabbing Salma Hayek's ass to help cleanse your palate: